Happy F-ing New Year

The sun rises on a new year, and it still smells like shit for some reason. Could it be that you didn't get your favorite TikToker plumping lip gloss? We couldn't take any more noodle mukbanging with your mouth-gina. Could it be that you had sex with another mall Santa? Shagging fart-knockers is soooo 2016. Could it be the pictures of you with a sparkler in your butt at Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve on Instagram? That's not social distancing?

2022 is the neck that needs punching. Who knew that styes are caused by someone farting on your pillow, birds aren't born from birdseed and the worldwide decline of whistling nuns? Madge and I have known for years that our bathroom humor and endless cocktail swilling were the superpowers that this great country needs. We're ready for battle. And by battle, we mean sitting in a poorly lit bar, drinking and barking orders at our incontinent minions.

We can't promise you fame, a 401K, or a decent non-caking 24-hour makeup primer. But you will have our tepid attention, parking validation, and a seat at the bar.

Pop the Cherry

INGREDIENTS
1/2 cup freshly squeezed lime juice
1/2 cup vodka
1/3 cup fresh cherry syrup
2 cups cold lime seltzer water
crushed ice for serving
lime wedges and fresh cherries for garnish
CHERRY SYRUP
1 1/2 cups pitted fresh cherries
1/3 cup water
2 tablespoons sugar

INSTRUCTIONS
In a large pitcher, combine the lime juice, vodka, and cherry syrup. Stir well, then refrigerate for at least 1 hour. Before serving, pour in the cold seltzer water. Taste and, if desired, add in more simple syrup and seltzer. Pour the mixture over crushed ice and garnish with lime wedges, cherries, and fresh mint!
CHERRY SYRUP
Place the cherries, water, and sugar in a saucepan. Heat over medium-low heat until the cherries are soft and bursting, about 6 to 8 minutes. Carefully pour the mixture into a blender and place a towel on top of the lid in case any of the hot liquid escapes! Blend until the cherries are pureed, and the mixture is combined.